Free Falling. What's waiting? Heaven or Hell?

I love who I become when it has been a while since my last fix. Refering of course to God. When I don't take time for him it is like I morph into a whole new person. Or let the devil inside take over. Sarcastic, cynical, pessimism , violent in thoughts, angsty in attitude, hateful, lonely, surly, full or self depreciation, depression- these are all characteristics of that self.
5 minutes a day doesn't cut it. Let other things distract me and it just doesn't happen. So now I feel like beating the crap out of something, or someone.

I never said my thoughts were put together well or flowed wonderfully

I'm up, I'm down,
I'm all around.
When am I just gonna
Settle down?

Tick Tock
Look at the clock,
I just up
but now it's nine.
(maybe I'll just sit some more and pine)

I feel down
Satan's try'ng to break me,
I just want to open up my crown
Stop brining me down!

Humanity is frail
Drink up the ale.
Down comes the hail,
We all want to bale.

When I see who I am with just a little time away from God, it frightens me and/or wakes me up a little. Who would I be without God in my life at all? I never want to see what that looks like. This is bad enough.

God, your the one I need, You the one I have to hold on to.


Isaiah 40:6-8
All flesh is grass, and all its loveliness is like the flower of the field.
The grass withers, the flower fades, When the breath of the LORD blows upon it; Surely the people are grass.
The grass withers, the flower fades, But the word of our God stands forever.

Isaiah 40:30-3
Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall:
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.


Sometimes I feel that if I just bled a little that I might feel better or just feel. I deserve pain and suffering but Christ already took my punishment. There is nothing I can do. He already did it.

Musing

You know, the reason Hamlet is such a good play has a lot to do with the fact that most people can connect with Hamlet in one way or another. We all have a bit of emu in us. Happy or sad is'nt what makes life life though, It's what you believe in. The things that are big enough to fight for even if your'e scared. Reaching out to other people. Honor, respect, love, standing up or apart, being true to yourselve. That is a big part of what makes life great. It's a rush.

What the Hec?

Why the hell is it that every time a friend asks how I am I say fine? I want them to talk to me and say how they really are and I ca'nt give them any more information than that? I want to be honest and open and when push comes to shove my mind goes blank and I have nothing to say.
How am I?
Having a damn panic attack about now. So i'm running for student coucil right? As chapel rep.; this week there has been a lot of doubt, I think I could do well but my insecurities crush all ambition and all good will. In English we are reading Hamlet. Most of his problems came upon him because of his own inactiveness. He had a lot of asparations and guess what? They all fell apart because he overanalyzed, worried, thought too much, gave in to the coward inside. For so many years I have struggled with this. Procrastination, cleaning instead of homework, and when it got to close to the due date and it still was'nt done I turn to music, tv, etc. I hide so much. I put a name to it for weekend procrastination-Saturday Syndrome, my excuse on Sunday- Sabbath. I feel that there is a lot on my belt and I have a melt down.
Sometimes I wish I had a flatter character. Strong will, pansy, good ideals, life given to God, a want to swear my head off- slight tngent but it really does bug me how I can feel strong and independant one moment and the next feel like a newborn calf. I wish there was a bit more stability. I wish I wasn't so 'identity mad'. I hate being an anomaly. Also, it seems so pathetic to have to rely on God to help me through. What is He just my crutch? I live life just to get the damn day over. I know I need to give up and let God but that harder to say than do.
I feel guilty, what do I have to be unhappy about? Not much, I have all the neccessities, I have friends, God(not that he is a simple object), etc.,etc.. Then the worry comes and the homework and all the rest of the little crap and I let it defeat me. But every time someone asks how life is I say it's fine. I don't know why I'm not happy. Hec, it would be stupid to be happy all the time. I don't have to be happy, but a little peace would be nice. I would love some peace.
Why do I hol myself back? And when all this shit comes up I have to wonder that it is'nt me, it's Satan. But then I overanalyze that. When am I serving God? How? Is it the right way? I've let school get to me way to much. Right now I hate it-or maybe just homework. I love class time.
Another thing-no matter how much sleep I get, 9 hours or 4, I'm almost always exhausted.
Right now-after the purging, I feel bit better. Course i'm not doing my homework. It's annoying, being flighty. I just said to myself today that I'm not flighty. I like to think of myself as dependable, strong. It's ironic since my major campaigning thing is a butterfly.
Course, flying away would be really nice about now.
I don't want to be inactive but it can be so hard to do what is neccessary sometimes.
Right now I don't give a damn about spelling so whatev.