Free Falling. What's waiting? Heaven or Hell?

I love who I become when it has been a while since my last fix. Refering of course to God. When I don't take time for him it is like I morph into a whole new person. Or let the devil inside take over. Sarcastic, cynical, pessimism , violent in thoughts, angsty in attitude, hateful, lonely, surly, full or self depreciation, depression- these are all characteristics of that self.
5 minutes a day doesn't cut it. Let other things distract me and it just doesn't happen. So now I feel like beating the crap out of something, or someone.

I never said my thoughts were put together well or flowed wonderfully

I'm up, I'm down,
I'm all around.
When am I just gonna
Settle down?

Tick Tock
Look at the clock,
I just up
but now it's nine.
(maybe I'll just sit some more and pine)

I feel down
Satan's try'ng to break me,
I just want to open up my crown
Stop brining me down!

Humanity is frail
Drink up the ale.
Down comes the hail,
We all want to bale.

When I see who I am with just a little time away from God, it frightens me and/or wakes me up a little. Who would I be without God in my life at all? I never want to see what that looks like. This is bad enough.

God, your the one I need, You the one I have to hold on to.


Isaiah 40:6-8
All flesh is grass, and all its loveliness is like the flower of the field.
The grass withers, the flower fades, When the breath of the LORD blows upon it; Surely the people are grass.
The grass withers, the flower fades, But the word of our God stands forever.

Isaiah 40:30-3
Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall:
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.


Sometimes I feel that if I just bled a little that I might feel better or just feel. I deserve pain and suffering but Christ already took my punishment. There is nothing I can do. He already did it.